I couldn't change myself, and it failed and I blew up into a fucking pit fire. It was killing me to not be who I am, and how I've defined myself this whole fucking worthless life. I am so fucking confused and I don't know what to do about any of it... I wrecked my car last Monday, and that's what set me off - I can't be fucking happy and have all of this bad shit happen to me. A woman ran a mother fucking stop sign, spun me out and ruined the left side of my car - She sped off too, so I am stuck with the fucking repair bill and medical bill because my insurance only covers basic liability. So I'm destined to be a cynic, if I don't die, I'll live to be a cynic, so I guess I'll have to deal with it. There is a girl though, a beautiful girl, and she is most certainly that - and intelligent, oh so perfect in every way as far as I'm concerned, but alas, because of this I cannot treat her like the queen she is - My love is pent up and never meant to be received because when I peel back the lid to a girl, they refuse it each and every time. This one in particular, is just so convoluted and who the fuck knows what. 2010 is going to be a miserable year, unless I can find someone to pull me out of this seemingly endless funk, because I certainly couldn't do it myself, and rehab did not work by any means. It's all falling as it should, I suppose.

And to end this post with an insanely massive, and heart-to-heart sincere apology for the goodbye, I was thinking I could do this with as much confidence as I could muster, but if it makes any of you happy, I haven't read the comments - and I won't. It feels right to be back here, and since I've been gone, I wrote - So I'm a fucking hypocrite, hip hip hooray for me, right? Anyway... I'm sorry again to you, and we will all try to patch this cluster-fuck up.

And to end this on a more somber note...
"This emptiness I've made my home, embracing memories of dreams long gone. One last caress from the corpse of love is all I want, underneath the cyanide sun..."

This is for you. I am not writing anymore. I've dissected what was left of my creative unconscious and found what was once fertile soil, to be mud, and can only be dirt from here on out. I am no longer submitting anything to DeviantArt, and no longer writing. I've given up on it, and everything else. It wasn't an easy decision to make, and it will be difficult to resist the urge if I catch a muse, but it's for the best. If I'm going to get better, I am going to have to completely change myself. My music, my clothes, my mentality, and all that was there to define me as a person, and as an artist. Wish me luck in this metamorphosis, because this is my last resort. If this doesn't work, I'll see you on the other side.

I will no longer be visiting this page.
Goodbye, 5 years.

Just got back from a walk around the old neighborhood... I found, when I was younger, that walks around the block at least at dusk made me smile from time to time, just to see the sun set over the hills and newly built homes. I walked tonight for the first time since I'd gotten back from Illinois back in January, and... I can't help but feel so upset. Friend's old homes are abandoned and the memories are still locked in them. Ex girlfriend's homes are still around, places we've fucked and other people currently reside, it's an eerie thought - I can't quite explain. Intimate moments in a house, where new people live, and they had no idea - It's new to them, old to me, and it's depressing to know that those memories float above that foundation still, in a grand naivety. My best friend's home, rich with terrible, and happy memories I've found is abandoned and for sale/rent. The last time I walk down that old culdesac... I'm upset because everything and everyone is gone, and I'm still here. Everything is changing, and it appears that my little piece of this city remains in a state of arrested metamorphosis. I'm freezing, and all I can think about is gutting my subconscious and writing it all down at random. I can see this not ending well.

Remove the bullet from my head.

Things are... Weird. Things are cleared up and I've gained a friend back - but - ... I was too late, and it was out of our control. I held a girl in my arms for the first time in almost 3 years, and this girl is someone I'd liked since primary school - We were kept apart by 3rd parties for so many years, and we were re-united a few months back by some twist of fate - and... Well, tl;dr - Simple at first, unknown complications on my end, and shit blew up - But we got coffee and she is still fucking beautiful.

She's back in my life, but at the same time not in the way I'd dreamed - but, it makes me so happy she's back at the same time, even though I feel I got fucked over by life again. Her smile brings me to a warm place... Sort of.